Calm Communicators

5/29/19

Chelsea Malik

MS, LMFT

You walk into the family room and your son is yelling at his sister, getting in her face and calling her names. Your daughter is quiet, withdrawn and apologizing over and over again. You pause their interaction and ask what is going on. Your daughter states that everything is fine and walks away. You discover that your daughter picked up one of your son’s toys, which led to the argument. You wonder, why does my son react so harshly? Why didn’t my daughter tell her side of the story? Teaching assertive communication is the key to helping your children speak their minds and reduce emotional difficulties.

There are four styles of communication: aggressive, passive-aggressive, passive, and assertive.

1. Aggressive communication is approaching a situation forcefully with anger. This communication style ends up pushing people away out of fear and leads to increased isolation.

2. Passive-aggressive communication is reacting with anger in a more subtle, indirect way. This alienates people and inadvertently creates more resentment towards others. Passive-aggressive communication rarely creates a resolution of the original problem.

3. Passive communication is letting a situation unfold while keeping negative thoughts and feelings inside. The consequence to passive communication is the bottling up of emotions, eventually leading to breakdowns or outbursts that are out of proportion to the original incident. The fourth communication style, the ideal and most effective of the bunch, is assertive.

Assertive communication is expressing thoughts and feelings directly (and respectfully). Assertiveness is a skill that can be taught and used by people of all ages. Because the other person can identify a concrete benefit and does not feel personally attacked, it increases the likelihood of cooperation. Assertiveness can also lead to increased self-confidence, better relationships, less stress, and feeling more in control of interpersonal relationships.

So How Do I Use It?

Assertiveness Guide (Nord-Cook, 2018):

I feel________

Use a feeling word (i.e. sad, frustrated, disappointed).

when _________

Use neutral tone and language.

Avoid the word you.

(optional) because ________

Help the other person understand your point of view.

I would like _________

May include a request for what you need from the situation.

In return ____________

This can indicate a new feeling or an action that you can do for them.

When initially trying to incorporate assertiveness, it is important that you stick within the guidelines. Try to keep everything short, simple, and to the point. The longer your explanations, the more likely the other person will stop listening. Over time, as this technique becomes more natural, it is normal to deviate from the script a bit. As parents, you can begin to use this skill with your children to not only increase cooperation but model how to communicate appropriately.

Here are three common scenarios where using assertive communication would help resolve conflict faster:

Parent Example:

I feel frustrated

when the kitchen is dirty

because it adds to the list of things I have to do.

I would like the kitchen cleaned before I get home.

In return I will be in a better mood and we will have time to play a game together after dinner.

Child Example:

I feel sad

when I get called mean words

because it makes me feel bad about myself.

I would like to be spoken to nicely.

In return we can continue to have fun together.

Teen Example:

I feel frustrated

when people come into my room without asking

because it makes me feel like I have no privacy.

I would like people to ask me first.

In return I will try to keep my room cleaner and my door open more often.

It’s helpful to put the assertiveness formula on a note-card and keep it handy for easier access and more follow through. Children and teens can benefit from practicing this skill with example scenarios, to assist them with being able to use it in the moment. If your child tends to be more anxious, it may also be helpful to brainstorm ways their peers may react and how they can respond appropriately. Be sure to point out and praise any attempt at using this to further motivate them to continue to use this skill. Assertive communication, unfortunately, cannot completely end arguments in your home. However, as children learn, you will find that conflicts are solved more quickly, your home is more peaceful, and your children are calmer and happier.

References

Nord-Cook, M. (2018, November). Out of control teens: A skills based approach that breaks through family dysfunction to create lasting change. Presented at the Renaissance Chicago North Shore hotel through PESI, Northbrook, IL.