College-Bound Parenting

7/18/19

Chelsea Malik

MS, LMFT

Imagine you are standing at your car after moving your child in to their dorm room. It is time to say goodbye and your heart drops. You are about to leave your child in the place they will spend the next four years. Your emotions come to the forefront and you start worrying about what this next phase will bring for your child. How can you manage your own emotions as your child starts the next chapter in their life?

Parenting a child is hard, and parenting a young adult brings a whole new set of challenges. It is like you are transitioning from being the manager of your child to a consultant. Michael Riera (2012) states that as a manager you were arranging rides, making appointments, helping make sure they were doing their homework, etc. You were involved in their day to day life and was kept informed. Now, you move into the position of consultant, providing advice and suggestions when asked and hoping they consider your input. As a parent, you want nothing more than for your child to succeed. With that goal comes fears and concerns about potential problems that may get in the way. Here are seven tips for soothing your own anxiety and sending your child off to college with confidence:

1. Normalize: As your concerns and fears start to trickle in, the first step is to normalize your thoughts and feelings. As a parent, your child becoming an adult and going off to college is a scary thing. Remind yourself that it is okay to feel worried and many parents feel nervous at this developmental stage.

2. Prepare: Do your best to prepare your child for college by helping to build skills that will set them up for success. This can look like enhancing their responsibilities, building problem solving skills, and improving their ability to make decisions. Other important skills to focus on include assertiveness, being able to say no to potential peer pressure, and goal setting. Have them think through their goals for different areas of their lives, including academics, family, social, self-care, and health. Encourage them to keep these goals with them as a reminder of what they are working towards. For tips on building your child’s assertiveness skills, check out my post Calm Communicators.

3. Support: Encourage your teen to reach out to you if they need anything. If teens are afraid of how their parents will react, they won’t come to you if there are problems or concerns. Try to manage your own emotions if difficult issues come up and hold off on the bigger conversation or lesson until after the situation is managed. The goal is to help your teen feel safe about reaching out to you in the event of a problem (and prevent escalation). Check out my post Diffusing Conflict With Empathy for tips on how you can respond to your child and minimize defensiveness. Knowing your child will reach out to you if they need something will go a long toward easing some of your anxiety.

4. Be Positive: One difficulty that you may experience is having more negative self talk involving “what if” statements. These statements tend to be paired with fears and worries about what may happen while your child is gone. Try to identify when you are having these thoughts and incorporate more positive self talk. This can look like reminding yourself that “it will be okay” or “I will worry when I have to, but I don’t have to now.” Remaining present focused will also help you manage anxious thoughts about your child’s future. Try redirecting your mind back to what you are doing in the moment versus thinking about what could happen in the future.

5. Build Confidence: Instead of focusing on all the ways things can go wrong, try to focus on what could go well. Build your own confidence by reminding yourself of the preparation and lessons you have taught your child that will be beneficial. Identify your child’s strengths and how those things will give them more possibilities for success.

6. Let Go: An important but difficult step is giving your child space. Set a more realistic goal of how often you are going to communicate with your child and stick with it. This may include letting your child initiate more conversations instead of you reaching out. Encourage your child to stay at school for the first few weeks. This will help them to focus on building their lives outside of the family and in a new place. If they are coming home every weekend or talking to you multiple times a day, it will only make the adjustment more difficult. It will be different without your child around and that is okay. Try to stay busy as a way to help distract yourself.

7. Connect: One helpful way of managing your own emotions is by connecting with your own social network. Bottling up your emotions will only make things worse. Try opening up to someone in your support system about your worried thoughts and feelings. It is also beneficial if you have someone in your network who has gone through or is going through something similar so you can talk together. This will help you to feel as if you are not alone. Another benefit to connecting with others is it can be a useful distraction from your thoughts. Going to college is not only a big transition in your child’s life, but yours as well. Remembering these tips will help guide you through your own thoughts and feelings as well as set you and your child up for success.

References

Riera, M. (2012). Uncommon sense for parents with teenagers. Berkeley: Ten Speed Press.