Best Self Family Post
How to Choose Your Battles and Live in Harmony
12/5/18
Parents of young children often struggle with constant arguments. Whether it’s over something simple, like wearing socks, or complex, like a long negotiation over bedtime, it takes a toll on parents. When these conflicts branch off into new arguments and the “you never listen to me” sentiments begin, it’s easy for everyone to forget what the issue was to begin with. Instead, I suggest parents consider and prioritize behaviors. What is worth the argument and what can be let go? What will result in a more harmonious home with happier children and more relaxed parents?
I encourage you to take your child’s misbehaviors and mentally place them into three categories (this is based upon Dr. Ross Greene’s basket behavior concept). The first category to consider is safety behaviors. This could include prohibitions like “no running in the street” and “no physically hurting others.” For these safety concerns, there need to be immediate consequences, often involving leaving the location, separating the fighting kids, and time outs. These are situations where you know that you will definitely intervene, no matter how tired you may feel or how embarrassed you may feel in public (but remember, every parent in the world has been in your shoes).
Parents are often able to easily list safety behaviors, while struggle to differentiate between the second and third categories. The second category is for the behaviors that are most important to you, and the third is for behaviors that you can choose to let go. The specifics will differ from family to family. If you put a lot of effort into crafting family dinners, having your child eat the meal may be an important rule for you. For your family, eating family dinner is therefore something that you make as a family rule and will enforce consequences. It is not urgent in the way safety behaviors are, but it is something that you have chosen to prioritize.
Think about how you want to handle these behaviors, then make sure you follow through with the same consequence every time. Children will find your weak spots. If they know that they usually have to eat their dinner, but sometimes, if their parent is tired and they throw a long enough tantrum, they will get a reprieve – those children will have learned to throw a tantrum every dinner.
On the other hand, if you are just worried about your child eating at all, or if you don’t mind making PB&J for the kids and a separate dinner for the adults, that is fine too. In that case, for that family, eating the family dinner belongs in the third category. You may encourage your child to eat dinner, but you won’t be drawn into an argument if they don’t, and you don’t mind providing an alternative meal. For your family, you can let picky eating at dinner go and you can avoid having a battle every night.
Categorizing behaviors in this matter will also help you avoid power struggles. Children are naturally seeking to assert control over their lives. There are times when this is, and is not, appropriate. Some behaviors are worth letting go. If your child is arguing about what shoes they’re wearing, stop and prioritize in the moment. If your child wants to wear sandals in December, that is a safety issue and you need to intervene. If they want to wear boots that you know will pinch their feet by the end of the day, that is not necessarily a safety issue, but may still be worth intervening to avoid later complaints. If they want to wear boots that you don’t like because they don’t match their outfit, you might decide to let that one go. If you do, you are letting your child learn from their own choices, for better or for worse. On the upside, they will feel more independent, and you get to enjoy time with your child with a little less conflict.
While this process will not resolve all arguments – some battles, after all, are worth fighting – it should help reduce the overall conflicts in your home. Knowing you have a plan to prioritize and address misbehavior will also help you feel more in control of your household. Take some time this week to discuss this concept with your co-parent, or jot a list by yourself. By next week, you should be on your way to a more harmonious home.