Best Self Family Post
Overcoming Perfectionism
8/28/23
Perfectionism. It’s a complicated term. When is it good for us? When does it get in our way? Does it mean we’re detail-oriented and driven to succeed? Or, controlling, anxious and rigid? Perfectionism can be adaptive (and valuable) but it can also become toxic. If we can learn to spot the signs that it is hurting more than helping us, we can also learn to regain control (and protect our performance).
When perfectionistic thoughts and behaviors become excessive, they can leave a trail of damage resulting in low self-esteem and paralyzing anxiety. When perfectionism is impairing us, we must adjust our expectations to what is more reasonable. This can be incredibly difficult due to the perception that we are “lowering the bar”.
How can we evaluate our own sense of perfectionism, and determine if it’s healthy? It’s important to consider if you’re setting high, but ultimately realistic, goals and standards. When it’s unhealthy, we attempt to meet unrealistic expectations that are driven by fear of failure, judgment or disappointing others. Taking a hard look at what’s behind these thoughts and feelings is a great place to start.
Children and adolescents will benefit from support and intervention, when certain fears and behaviors are negatively impacting their mental health as a whole. Examples of these signs and what parents should look for, include (but are not limited to):
Spending more hours than necessary, checking and rechecking homework assignments.
Procrastinating or missing deadlines, due to fear of their work being inferior or imperfect.
Underparticipating in classes, due to fear of answering incorrectly or worrying about judgment by teachers/peers.
Overpreparing for academics (or other activities) resulting in a false sense of security.
Avoiding opportunities involving risk-taking or moving outside their comfort zones.
Expressing concern regarding high expectations of themselves, whether real or perceived.
Presenting with constant anxiousness, short tempers, low energy or exhaustion.
Evaluating themselves negatively or taking corrections/feedback as personal failings.
Struggling to relax or enjoy experiences due to their desire to perform perfectly.
Reporting physical symptoms, potentially stress induced, such as stomach pain or headaches.
When parents want to support their child or adolescent, it can be hard to know what words to say. It’s hard to witness the way it’s impacting their happiness. One thing we always encourage is learning to reduce or let go of comparison mindsets. Children who are often plugged into social media and/or engaged in competitive sports and academics, may experience the most pain resulting from comparison. Learning to reframe comparison, switch it out for self-compassion, can improve their self-talk. It is easier said than done, which is why it’s a primary focus in the therapy room (and lot’s of practice/reinforcement).
Parents can also work to model what can be considered “good enough” rather than working to the highest level, all of the time. Parents can validate the distress and discomfort that their children and adolescents are experiencing, when they feel (or worry) that they are failing. We always encourage self-compassion. This involves forgiving themselves when they do not reach their expectations.
In therapy, we utilize professional supports such as exposure and response prevention (ERP), a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), that has been proven highly effective in addressing perfectionism (and other anxieties). This involves directly exposing people to stimuli that generally results in anxiety or distress, in a gradual and controlled way, so that the brain may relearn or retrain itself to appropriately judge dangerous situations. ERP also teaches individuals not to engage in self-soothing behaviors that unintentionally increase anxiety, and instead, learn to tolerate and cope with the anxiety safely. With the support of a therapist, individuals can set their own pace and complete exposures in a safe environment. Next, they challenge themselves to complete exposures outside of the therapy space. Exposure exercises for perfectionism are aimed at sitting with uncertainty and increasing the practice of risk taking, for their benefit.
While this work is certainly not easy, the positive outcomes sure are plentiful. As they improve, we see children and adolescents giving themselves permission to relax. They enjoy the act of engaging in hobbies rather than only seeking specific outcomes. Ultimately, they can feel more balanced in all aspects of their lives.