Best Self Family Post
Reinventing Holidays After Divorce
12/7/17
Making the decision to separate and/or divorce from your significant other is tough in so many ways. Everyone involved goes through an adjustment period and the holidays can be especially hard. When you are invested in co-parenting and promoting a healthy adjustment for your child, there are ways to ease the stress and cope with being separated on important days.
Plan Ahead
Assuming that visitation schedules are already in place, it’s important to respect these agreements and prepare your child ahead of time. If they ask questions about how and why the schedule was created, explain that it was created with their best interest in mind and fairness to both parents. Try to remain neutral, even when you are disappointed with how things played out in court. If a judge was involved, you can explain that judges are there to help whenever two people don’t agree. Transitioning between homes can be very stressful, make sure to pack bags ahead of time so that isn’t an extra stress.
Some choices are going to be beyond your control, and many are beyond your child’s control. It can help to give your child other opportunities to feel powerful. Enlist their help in planning fun holiday activities. Ask what they would choose to do while at your house and especially when they return back to your house.
Start New Family Traditions
Start new family traditions instead of trying to continue the old ones. Get creative! The holidays don’t have to be centered around presents. You can make homemade gifts or go out for holiday related activities as a family instead. New traditions don’t have to be on one specified date either. They can be over the course of the whole month or over an extended period of time. For example, picking out and decorating a Christmas tree, making and wrapping gifts, drinking hot chocolate, going ice skating, or watching holiday specific movies.
It is helpful to ask your child to think about “one special thing I do with Mom” and “one special thing I do with Dad”. For example, “when we are with Dad we pick out a tree and decorate it” and “when we are with Mom, we build snowmen and bake cookies”.
Focus on Your Child
You can significantly reduce your child’s stress level by keeping them out of any adult related conflict. Don’t put them in the middle of problems between you and their other parent. Don’t ask them to take sides or choose between you. They love you both! Try not to criticize the way the other parent decides to spend their time with your child. It is okay if both parents do different things. It is important to be supportive of their relationship with the other parent and encourage them to have fun. Although it can be hard to do, this ultimately leads to a healthier, happier, child.
Alone Time
Finally, be sure to plan what you are going to do while your children are away. The alone time can be hard, especially if you are used to spending the holidays as a family. Focus on enjoying the time you have with your child versus focusing on the time you don’t have with them. Try to reduce as much of the stress as possible and focus on creating new, happy memories. It is important that you not only take good care of your kids but also take good care of yourself! The better you feel, the better equipped you are to take care of your kids. Make sure to get enough sleep, stay active and eat well. Make plans to keep yourself busy by visiting family or going to a friend’s house. If you have to be alone without your kids during the holidays, plan ahead as to how you will cope. The holidays can be full of joy, in brand new ways.