Best Self Family Post
Seeking a Child Therapist’s Guidance Before Divorce
4/14/24
Many couples who have made the difficult decision to divorce seek a therapist’s expertise in hopes of finding the best way to share this news with their children. Therapists provide a unique and beneficial perspective, particularly those that work with both parents and children of divorce. Therapists who have worked with clients facing divorce have the ability to anticipate common setbacks before they arise, foresee children’s reactions and initial questions, and more.
What parents may come to find after an initial meeting with a therapist, is that before sharing their narrative with their children, there is much to examine. Although the marriage is ending, parents share the same love, care, and concern for their children. Divorce itself is not traumatizing, yet there is a common misconception that it always is. However, it’s often the conflict within the divorce (that children are exposed to) that leads to the most significant mental health struggles.
Child and adolescent therapists can provide guidance based upon experience, research, and resources that can make this transition as smooth as possible for the entire family. Our goal is to walk parents through the first few steps of divorce so that they approach the divorce thoughtfully. We are advocates for your children who are not part of the conversation, who get one chance at hearing you share your story about the divorce, and who have only one childhood.
It is important to remember that although therapists meet with both parents together, this unique form of counseling is not couple’s therapy. Therapists acknowledge the romantic relationship has terminated and help guide parents into a new partnership: co-parenting. Just as in a professional relationship, therapists help parents create boundaries, communicate, and compromise before a conversation is had with their children. This may sound impossible when you first walk into the office, especially in cases where there was loss of trust. Regardless of circumstances, the therapist does not pass judgment or hold a bias towards one parent. We are here to support the greater good for your family by putting your children first.
By working on these skills before sharing the divorce news with their children, parents can present as a united front and assure their children that they are on the same page, they are in control, and they can handle this together so their children can enjoy their childhood without worry. Should parents choose to share their narrative without discussing the expected challenges, increased difficulties may arise. If parents lack confidence, are not on the same page regarding plans, if they cannot answer questions effectively, or do not yet have answers, they are ideal candidates for co-parenting counseling. Starting conversations without addressing these items, leads children to feel anxious, stressed and/or tempted to take on caregiving roles. This is not a responsibility we hope a child to assume. For example, one of the first questions a child may have after hearing news of the divorce is, “where am I living?” Parents will have practiced a variety of responses to this, if the answer is not known or there are multiple possibilities, they will learn the most effective way to share this with their child to minimize stress.
Divorce may be one of the most intense and emotional life transitions a person may experience. It can easily make parents experience a new sense of difficulty making decisions, this is normal and to be expected during such a stressful time of life. Therapists are trained to assist both parents with this, particularly when the conflict rises. With the thoughtful support from a therapist, adults can develop in ways they didn’t think possible before the divorce. The stable and nurturing environment provided in both homes will allow children to enjoy their childhood and develop into healthy, functional adults. The process can be overwhelming to think about, but starting with small conversations and steps as adults before including children in the process can have a lifetime of impact on your family.