Best Self Family Post
Smart Friendship Choices
10/18/24
When we’re young, our very first friendships are likely formed with support in large from our parents, teachers, etc. We ask for play dates and our parents may decide which friendships to nurture over others. As we mature and develop, we start pursuing our own relationships and things can get tricky - fast. While some friendships can be incredibly supportive and enriching, others can become harmful or even ‘toxic’. It can help to slow down and understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy friendships.
If your parents are concerned about a certain friendship of yours, they probably have a reason. Talk about it together openly and honestly (knowing their need to protect you comes only from love). What’s key here is that they can see you are developing the skills necessary to make the smartest choices possible.
Here’s what you need to know!
What Do Healthy Friendships Look Like?
1. Supportive & Encouraging: Mutual support is very important (which means, you are both helping each other in a balanced way). Good friends cheer each other on, celebrate successes, and offer comfort during tough times. A super supportive friend will make you feel really good about yourself, on those days it feels extra hard. They can help you see the best in yourself, so your own self-esteem goes up.
2. Respectful Boundaries: In a healthy friendship, both individuals respect each other’s boundaries (remember, it’s important to feel comfortable physically and emotionally). They understand and appreciate each other’s need for space and time, and they communicate their needs openly and respectfully.
3. Trustworthiness: Trust is super important in all healthy relationships, friendships included. A trustworthy friend honors promises and is reliable. They do what they say they will do, and this makes you feel safe to express yourself without being worried about judgment or betrayal.
4. Enjoyable & Fun: Healthy friendships are filled with happy times. After spending time together, notice your feelings. Are you feeling strong, relaxed, uplifted? Or are you feeling stressed, drained, confused? The energy you leave with will help you make this determination.
5. Honest Communication: Healthy friends can talk about their feelings and yes – they will fight or disagree sometimes – but they can work it out. When you really care about someone and keeping their friendship, it’s easier to do the hard work of being honest. Providing feedback (your opinions or criticisms) in respectful ways is really important.
What Do Toxic Friendships Look Like?
1. Disrespectful Behavior: Most commonly name-calling, put-downs, or other forms of disrespect. If your friend frequently makes you feel you are underneath them, it’s a red flag.
2. Controlling Tendencies: If your friend is telling you how you should act or who you should (or should not) hang out with, we consider this an unhealthy way to control you. This can also look like manipulation (getting you to do what they want) or making you feel guilty if you don’t meet their demands.
3. Unreliable & Inconsistent: A friend who fails to follow through on promises or commitments will make you lose trust. Unreliable friends can leave you feeling frustrated and insecure.
4. Jealous & Competitive: A constantly jealous or competitive friend can be very harmful. Instead of celebrating your successes, they might make you feel small or create a sense of rivalry. Watch out, this person is not here for your friendship.
5. Dishonesty: A friend who frequently lies, cheats or betrays you, is showing you that you cannot trust them. Pay attention to what people do (not just what they say). Remember that healthy friendships are built upon respect and honesty.
What To Do About Friendships in Trouble?
If you suspect your friendship is becoming toxic, it’s important to approach the situation with sensitivity and bring a non-judgmental perspective. Here are some steps you can take:
Talk About It: Share your feelings and experiences with your friend openly. Ensure the conversation is non-judgmental, allowing them to express their concerns freely and without worry that they are being blamed for the problems in your friendship.
Seek Adult Advice: An adult you trust can help you understand the importance of ‘boundaries’ which is how we all develop and maintain healthy relationships with other people. Every adult you know has struggled with friendships. Keep an open mind that they may be able to help you identify what behaviors to watch out for (as well as how to repair hurt feelings). Let them help you figure out what your needs are (and how to ask for them).
Self-Reflect: When you’re alone, reflect on your thoughts and feelings. Think carefully about how this friendship makes you feel. Understanding your emotions (and making space to do so) is so important in order for you to make informed decisions about friendships.
Stay Open: Engage in activities where you can always meet new people so there’s always a possibility of making a new friend. Look for the most positive people around you and choose to build those healthy, supportive friendships. Be sure to focus just as much (or more) on positive new friendships, and not too much on the unhealthy friendships bringing you down.
Role-Models: Look toward the older siblings, friends or family members who you see enjoying healthy friendships. Observe what they do, how they speak to each other. These are skills you can learn and practice, to enjoy the same positive dynamics.