Helping Siblings Feel Seen

5/27/2025

Maddie Gasaway

You may be familiar with the phrases, “She always gets everything she wants!”, “He never gets in trouble!”, “You never have time for me anymore.” If any of these phrases have echoed throughout your home, just know that you’re surely not alone. Parenting siblings can feel like a beautiful, chaotic dance- one that oftentimes feels like a tug of war. Keeping up with the needs of each child, dividing attention, and fostering connection, all while managing the demands of everyday life can feel almost impossible. But it is possible! Just remember, you’re doing your best, and you don’t have to be the perfect parent or a full-time referee to make it work.

Why It Matters:

When children feel unseen, invalidated, or unheard, they start to look for ways to stand out- whether that’s through achievements or sometimes through acting out or fighting with siblings. At the core of most sibling rivalry, is the desire to feel important, special, and secure in the family system, which is a basic emotional need. Without having their basic needs met, it becomes difficult for individuals to form trusting and supportive relationships within the family system.

It’s helpful to view sibling conflict as not the problem itself, but a signal to the problem. Behavior can be seen as an important form of communication and may be a cue for a child needing attention, validation, or clarity about their place in the family. Harmony in a family doesn’t just come from everyone getting along all the time. It comes from each family member knowing they belong, they matter, and are loved, even when emotions run high or conflict appears.

Tips to Help Your Child Feel Seen:

1. Name their uniqueness: Take time to affirm each child’s individual qualities- not just what they do but who they are. Most children want to know what makes them special or important to the family, separate from their siblings. This can help foster individuality and self-worth while aiding in decreasing competitiveness and jealousy amongst siblings.
2. Schedule individual time: It doesn’t have to be a whole day or multiple hours- it can be just 15 minutes of uninterrupted time! No phones, no multitasking, just presence.
3. Avoid using comparisons, even subtle ones: Sometimes parents unintentionally compare their children. This can look like comparing strengths/abilities or even desirable/undesirable behaviors. Instead, focus on addressing each child’s needs directly without making them feel responsible for or defined by their sibling. This can also help prevent building resentment towards their siblings which may contribute towards increased sibling rivalry/conflict.
4. “Team Family” Mindset: Create a family culture that celebrates support over competition. Talk about how each member brings something valuable to the family “team”. Use “we” language, such as, “we all matter here” or “we help each other”. You can even hang up a “Team Family Poster” and write values and strengths that each person brings, making your family as special as it is.

Strategies to Reduce Sibling Rivalry and Tension:

1. Encourage Empathy-Building: Building empathy can help siblings better understand and validate each other’s feelings during times of conflict, which ultimately will help with building trust, patience, and problem-solving with one another. Have family members take turns sharing a “high” and a “low” from their day at the dinner table or before bedtime. Encourage siblings to listen, respond, and even ask questions about each other’s experiences.
2. Normalize Conflict and Repair: Conflict can be an opportunity for growth. Teach your children that it’s okay if they disagree, need space, or feel upset. Remind them, “it’s okay to be mad. What matters is how we work through this together.” Then model and support them in expressing feelings and making amends/reconnecting. You can help them use “I feel” statements to effectively communicate their feelings towards one another. Sometimes it can help to acknowledge that understanding is not agreeing, it is acknowledging another person’s feelings or perspective. This can help children be more open to the idea of empathy building and problem-solving despite having a different viewpoint or experiencing big feelings in the moment.

Foster Shared Rituals: Shared rituals can help create and foster connection and communication between siblings. This can be a sibling only handshake, a family game night, or helping each other with chores in pairs.

Use “Fair” Language Thoughtfully: Oftentimes you may hear children shout, “That’s not fair!”. What they really could be telling you is “I feel left out” or “I need more of you right now”. Respond with empathy and explain how fairness means giving each person what they need, and needs may look different for each person.

It may not be easy, but you are putting your best effort in showing up for your children with love, intention, and willingness to grow. They don’t need a perfect parent; they need a consistent and dependable one. That’s what children will remember most. Sometimes the most powerful moments come from the hugs, the apologies, and the slow learning.