Processing Acts of Violence With Children & Teens

10/5/17

Marnie Leahy

MA, LCPC

When our nation experiences a tragedy, brought on by senseless acts of violence, it reminds us how dark our world really can be. We are reminded that safety and peace are not guaranteed and cannot be taken for granted. Adults become triggered by political tensions and children are caught in the middle, trying to make sense of it all. Children and teens need our help to process these terrible events and restore their sense of peace.

When talking to your child about violent acts in the news, we believe age really does matter. Nationwide news will reach your child by someone, eventually. However, knowing the details can intensify their anxiety by making it seem far more likely to happen to them next. Seeing graphic images of tragic events can also have this effect and cause unnecessary emotional and behavioral damage. Even young children who are interested in more mature subject matter, don’t necessarily have the emotional capacity to manage distress that could come from exposure to intense violence. Remember, they can’t erase a picture from their mind, as easily as they can forget what someone said.

Instead, focus on positive ways of coping and how to live a life of purpose. We will not forget the event or those affected, and we will not live in fear. We can share lessons about living mindfully and being grateful for our time together as a family. We can try to redirect frustration and anger into conversations about family morals, values and goals for the future.

Suggestions Based On Developmental Age:

Ages 3-6

• Try to describe the event in one sentence
• Don’t provide details
• Restrict news access
• Avoid all photos/videos of event
• Redirect follow up questions
• Reassure family safety
• Label and validate all emotions
• Distract with pleasurable activity

Ages 7-12

• Ask what your child already knows
• Correct misunderstandings and rumors
• Restrict news access
• Avoid all photos/videos of event
• Let them lead the conversation
• Set a time limit (i.e. 10 min)
• When asked “why”, say “we don’t know that person” instead of personal opinion
• Encourage them to come to you with questions, before peers

Ages 13-18

• Ask what they know, what has been said at school
• Be flexible with time spent talking
• Remind that overexposure in news makes it seem more frequent than it is
• Encourage information seeking from proper sources, not social media
• Limit news access if anxiety is high or functioning is impaired
• Know the facts about the event before your discussion
• Discuss how to verify sources (rumors vs. facts)
• Identify those who helped in the event, (i.e. doctors, police, bystanders)
• Address “mental health problem” theories only if they come up

Parents, we strongly recommend that you give yourselves a chance to process this kind of news alone first, before talking with your children. This helps you regain control over naturally strong emotions and reactions, so that your child sees you as a source of strength and stability (what they really need during an especially scary time like this). You can certainly be open about your sad feelings, and normalize theirs, while modeling appropriate ways of coping. Try to end the conversation focusing on your family’s current health, safety and togetherness. We sincerely hope we won’t be having this conversation with our children again, any time soon.