Best Self Family Post
The Road to Co-Parenting Success Starts Here
12/31/22
The decision to separate from your partner may be the hardest choice you’ve ever had to make. While the circumstances differ, there is always one presiding worry to face, “will my children be okay?” Yes, they absolutely can be, IF parents take certain precautions at the start.
It’s a “fail to plan, then plan to fail” predicament. Through door #1 are parents who slow down, educate themselves and commit to ground rules. These children adjust the easiest. Through door #2 are parents who move fast, without guidance, and are vulnerable to the traps of high conflict. These children become caught in the crossfire and may experience prolonged hardship.
It is very possible to keep your children happy and healthy throughout this major adjustment. What makes the difference between calm and chaos? In my experience helping families through this for over a decade, the greatest success comes from the opportunity to create a roadmap with parents BEFORE they announce anything to children. It changes everything. These parents immediately prioritize their love for their children, over negative feelings toward their spouse, and use this to refocus through every period of conflict.
Early parent education is essential. Parents must understand both the risk factors, and the protective factors, for children of divorce. There is a substantial amount of research available to help us understand how children process these changes cognitively and emotionally, during different developmental stages. There are “Do’s and Dont’s”, also supported by research, to help parents protect their child’s wellbeing during the transitions. This is what it looks like to go in with all eyes open, and the self-awareness parents develop is invaluable.
A professional can create this roadmap with parents and facilitate difficult (yet necessary) conversations. Parents can develop a child centered, thoughtful plan (even if they’re not in agreement regarding the separation itself). Parents take pause to explore and agree upon a simple, age appropriate narrative for telling their children. They prepare for the emotions and behaviors that may follow (including their own) with guidance regarding helpful coping strategies. Professionals can offer supportive language to use during difficult conversations. What changes will occur – and when – should also be properly planned well before announcing to children (to reduce excess anxiety of the unknown).
At this point in time, you might still be operating with your spouse at a workable level, which makes it the prime time. It’s also the right time to assess a couple’s level of parental conflict, and how much the children have historically, or are presently, exposed to. A professional can target this area early on, so parents can learn to handle intense emotions differently (before it is too late). It’s crucial for parents to understand how intense the long term psychological effects can be for children who witness, or are involved in, their personal conflicts.
By engaging in co-parenting support, as early as possible, you have an opportunity to control the outcome for your child. By doing the work up front, you acquire knowledge of the common traps to look out for and can choose to avoid (or better manage) them. You can redefine your parenting relationship and work together to avoid door #2 at all costs (high conflict divorce).
No matter how long the hard parts last, the process of separation is still temporary, meaning it will eventually end. What is long term, however, is the way this impacts your child during their only developmental years. Learning to manage change (and big emotions) will pay dividends both now and later.
With the right roadmap, you will parent more confidently. You will be armed and ready to support your child when they need you. Your efforts will also help develop your child’s resiliency skills (making it easier to handle life’s other stressors, too). At the end of the day, you are altering the commitment to your spouse to focus on the cause that’s bigger than yourselves - those children you love.
We have many years of professional experience helping families at this crucial juncture. If you are navigating difficulties related to separation or divorce, our co-parenting support services may be beneficial. To inquire or discuss how we can help, please contact Best Self Inc. by calling (312)643-0268 or emailing info@bestselfinc.com.