Best Self Family Post
What is Co-Regulation?
3/6/22
Co‑regulation means tuning in and responding to the various emotional and behavioral needs of your child in the present moment. Simply put, sharing your nervous system with them. Infants require the highest degree of co-regulation as their nervous systems are still developing and they rely on their caregivers for everything. As children age, their needs to co-regulate change. Though no matter the age, when a child is dysregulated, they may need your help to use their words and practice calming skills.
Believe it or not, there is a neurological explanation for those times that children aren’t able to use their calm down skills. In these moments, our children are disconnected from their thinking brains. Or as Dr. Dan Siegal would say, they have “flipped their lids”. The prefrontal cortex, or our “thinking brain”, is where our coping skills are stored. This part of our brains is turned on when we are fed, watered, and regulated. When children are having a meltdown, chances are they may not be connected to their cognitive brains and need parent support to regulate the intense emotion. Then, we hope they can walk to their calm down corner or draw what they are feeling.
So when you find yourself in these moments, what can you do? First, check in with your own nervous system. Take a deep breath and send yourself some compassion that this moment is so hard. Then ask yourself if your child is capable of using their coping skills right now. If not, you can help them get there.
No matter the age, children are always in need of co-regulation. As your child gets older, they may require more passive support. Simply sitting in close proximity to them as they complete a difficult assignment or turning on some music. Other attempts at co-regulation may require more active support. This can look like offering a crunchy, chewy, cold, or sour snack to shock their nervous system. Or it may sound like “I know this is so hard, this makes so much sense to me” or asking, “you’re feeling X, am I getting this right?”.
Think of co-regulating as entering your child’s emotional state in order to guide them to regulation. You join your child in their experience and mirror exactly what you are seeing or hearing. This feels different than just comforting your child because you aren’t simply calming them down, but you are matching their angry or worried energy without immediate attempts at changing it. Your goal is to use your voice and body language to match their energy. If they are angry, it is okay to get louder without yelling and share their frustration. A worried child will better regulate when you get down to their eye level, stay close physically, and calmly place a hand on their shoulder.
If your own worries begin rumbling with thoughts such as “If I am always helping them regulate will they always rely on me to calm down?” or “How will they learn self-regulation skills if I jump in?” Thankfully, it is quite the opposite. Every time you help your child regulate through attuned responses, they are building the neurocircuitry to develop self-regulation skills.
Each time you pause amid the chaos to offer a hug, a walk, or even an acknowledgment that this feels so unfair, you are strengthening your child’s ability to regulate their emotions. Regulation doesn’t mean being calm all the time. It means being able to notice and stay present with whatever emotions arise, whether chaotic or joyful.